The maternal instinct
I was never one of those girls who grew up dreaming of being a mummy. Ergh! Kids I always thought. We never had any babies in my family, or small kids, unlike my younger cousins who had loads on their Dad’s side. Consequently, both of them have or are currently in the process of having kids. Me and my sister? Clueless what to do with them.
Looking back, it’s not really surprising my mum lives in fear of never becoming a nanny. However, like mother like daughter. It was somewhat reassuring as I approached my late twenties that my mum was never very maternal either (she actually wanted a monkey before deciding to have me) and that my nan also panicked she would never have any grandchildren.
However, a few years ago something inside me changed, probably helped along by spending time with my little (then) niece. I’d babysit and we’d snuggle up on the sofa and watch Disney films together, or when I’d pick her up from school, she’d automatically reach up to hold my hand and start to tell me all about her day- more than she would tell her mum too.
It totally makes you appreciate the world from a child’s point of view, which is very refreshing, and actually quite a lot of fun. I mean, it’s also totally exhausting; and that’s just the endless questions, and not to mention when they won’t stop jumping on the sofa!
But I was definitely not ready for my own; despite looking at my cat and thinking, God if I love her this much it almost scares me how much I’ll love my kids. Lolz.
At 29 I was loving going out a lot, having fun with friends, doing my own thing and being totally selfish. There was also a lot of stuff I wanted to do before having kids; travel (tick!) go out to nice places (tick) have my own photography business (errr, nope but that’s totally fine!).
Fast forward a few years and things could not be more different. Mostly due to a new relationship. I didn’t go looking for someone to be a dad for my kids, but feel very lucky that it happened, well fingers crossed- and that he’s my bestie to boot! He’s kind, thoughtful, extremely supportive, responsible, bright, keeps me calm and even has a sick pack and GSOH too.
Is this what it means to be broody?
As the last year or so has ticked by, the thought of having my own family has almost constantly been on my mind, though always just out of reach. And just walking through the baby clothes section of any department store or supermarket literally makes my ovaries hurt (a fact which I kept very much between just me and a few girlfriends! It was the tiny frilly ankle socks that did it)
Yep, and while just the thought of giving birth makes me freak out a bit (a bit? well actually quite a lot, but I’ll be having ALL the drugs) but you know what’s scarier than that? Regret, and choosing to not let it happen at all.
I’ve become one of those people that tells themselves ‘every baby is different’, ‘everyone deals with it differently’ or “it’ll all be worth it” to “it’s just one day, then you have a child for the rest of your life” when your ever so supportive friends respond to your news with ‘God, are you not freaked out at the thought of pushing it out?’
So recently, we kind of made the leap of faith into the unknown and officially started trying-I think? And it is a very weird feeling, unlike anything else I’ve ever felt before. Knowing that someone you love, loves you that much that they’re willing to do all of that to make you happy- to give you what you’ve always wanted is pretty amazing.
And you know what it’s also kind of a turn on too! (yea, no one’s ever told me about that part either! But according to Netmums it’s normal!- they say to just enjoy this time together which I’m happy to do).
And I feel like it’s bought us really close, despite being utterly nerve wracking- queue pregnancy test stick dropping down the loo all fingers and thumbs, shaking while waiting for the little line/s to develop (it didn’t, queue relief as I wasn’t ready for it to happen that quickly!)
It’s a very exciting, scary, yet very happy time (bar salmon angst- as Chris has dubbed it- the fear his salmons (sperm) doesn’t work).
Conception aka sexytimes!
I wonder will we be one of the lucky 30% who conceive in the first cycle? Or will we fall into the vast majority that are pregnant within the three months? I’m ok with either, it’s almost as if I just want someone to make the decision for me. At my age, from my research it says that we have a 40% chance of convieving in the days leading up to or on ovulation (down 10% pre-30 years old, wah!).
I’ve heard everything from “it happened the first time we tried, I just peed on one of those ovulation sticks” to “it happened much sooner than we expected, we thought it would take a year” and “it took us nine months, we were doing it at all the wrong times” to often the stories which aren’t as openly discussed.
The friend of a friend that kept putting it off, choosing a big holiday, brand new car or new sofa instead, who then ended up trying and failing their one attempt at IVF. Or the colleague you can’t help yourself but speculate over “I’m sure she said she was trying” that was the plan two years ago and she’s still sans-child, despite achieving all the grown up things you’re supposed to have achieved before having kids.
Consequently, I never thought I would share my plans; for fear of speculation, judgement, jealousy. But it was too much to keep to myself, classic Jo, choosing just a few to share my big news. But I will definitely be keeping my sex schedule from my mum, that’s for sure.
…and thanks for stopping by. I thought I would introduce us; myself (Jo) and my boyfriend Chris. We’ll both be uploading our innermost thoughts and musings over the next phase of our lives which we hope is a very happy one. Welcome to our world x